It’s been 9 months since my ex moved out and 10 months since I ended the marriage. Strictly speaking, we aren’t divorced (yet) but as there is no way on this earth we would get back together, it’s easier to use the term divorced.
When we split, my ex was convinced I was sleeping with someone else (I wasn’t) and I think, eventually realised that I had no interest in other men, I just wanted out of the marriage. It did occur to me that much later on I may want to date someone but as it would be far from now, I never gave it much thought. I vowed that I’d never go on Tinder, even if it meant I died alone and was eaten by Alsatians (Bridget Jones style) and pushed dating to the back of my mind.
I would say ‘fast forward’ but these have been possibly (other than pregnancy) the longest nine months of my life. Instead….. skip to today or actually, a month ago and I met someone who I wanted to pursue in a more than friends way…..
If I hadn’t been in a really good mood that day…… if he hadn’t winked when he walked past me when I was having coffee with a friend……. if he hadn’t put an X at the end of an IG comment, we probably wouldn’t be having this conversation. However, all those things happened… not in that order…. and on my good mood day I messaged him and we organised a date.
I’d like to say it wasn’t full blown panic stations but that wouldn’t be entirely true so instead I ran through a list of pros and cons which went something like this:
So you can see my dilemma. In the end I reminded myself that I was a brave, autonomous adult and if it went badly I could go into hiding/change my phone number/delete every trace of me on the internet or I could just chill out and go with the flow.
With the aid of 2 (oh, ok, 3) glasses of wine and feeling very chilled out, I went with the flow, we had a date and a month later we are still dating.
I’m not going to pretend (I am 36 years old after all and need to own this shit!) that I’m not terrified at times. That I don’t feel I’m holding him at arms length or the thought of any kind of future with anyone isn’t mind blowingly difficult. I can’t promise it’s going to work out or have a happy ending and that’s just from my side of the fence, he has his own host of complications going on too. What I do know, right now, is that it’s worth being afraid and it’s worth going for it anyway.
I can’t say that it’s love but it’s definitely like and right now, that’s enough.
*Insightful, well thought out, beautifully put together images are from the Unbounded Spirit Facebook Page. Pros and Cons chart hastily assembled in pages and saved as a screenshot….. all my own work.